


"I'm Surrounded by Idiots"- The Barclay Manifesto

by keyboardclicks



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Humor, Joke Gifts, Misunderstandings, Sternclay but only like if you squint really hard, not intended to be Sternclay but you could take it as such
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-29 04:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20076232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keyboardclicks/pseuds/keyboardclicks
Summary: Barclay loves the Pineguard, he does, he really really does.But goddamn.





	"I'm Surrounded by Idiots"- The Barclay Manifesto

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rooster_Waltz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rooster_Waltz/gifts).

Barclay loved everyone in the Pineguard, he really did. Their numbers were precious few and he appreciated all the help he and Mama got in keeping abominations from literally destroying the entire world. They were (mostly) brave and (generally) reliable, and he knew he would have been fucked a long time ago if they hadn’t come around.

But _Christ on a fucking cracker _did they have the world’s worst collective sense of humor.

It all started with Ned, as many unfortunate things seemed to. Kirby had apparently spilled a drink on some of the Cryptonomica’s merchandise, making it unsellable. One of these items happened to be a poster featuring a still of the Patterson and Gimlin Bigfoot Video, (a fake, by the way, and a shoddily done one. Barclay was almost offended by it.) Rather than throw said poster out, Ned apparently decided it would make a lovely gift, RC Cola stain and all.

Specifically, that it would be a good gift for Barclay.

“Wow, thanks, Ned,” the aforementioned Sylph sarcasted. “Just what I always wanted.”

“No need to thank me, my friend. I thought that if anyone would enjoy it to its fullest potential, it would be you.”

Barclay looked at the poster, up at Ned, back down to the poster. “Well…” he said, examining the grainy closely. “I gotta say, at least it’s a better fake than your Chewbaca costume.”

“Ah.” Ned pointed upwards with a smile. “But I’ll bet you they didn’t have the smell right.”

“Wow, I sure do love that you think rotting sewage and animal waste is a “bigfoot smell”. Sure do love that. It’s just _super _flattering.”

Ned threw his hands in the air with a sigh. “Nobody appreciates my visions! It’s well documented that bigfoot sightings are accompanied by a distinct odor- I was just trying to stir up conversation!”

Barclay rolled his eyes, setting aside the poster and finishing the tea he had been brewing for himself and Mama. She said it helped soothe the ache in her joints. After a moment of consideration, and a glance at Ned’s walking stick, he prepared an extra cup and set it on the table with a wry smile and a, “Consider this my thanks.” Ned only chuckled, but accepted the drink while Barclay considered how best to spill his cup on the poster while still making it look like an accident.

Aubrey was the next offender. Heavy boots clanked on the wooden floor as she leapt over the back of the couch upon seeing Barclay lumber through the lodge’s front door with two armfuls of groceries. Dani helped, too, after walking around the sofa like a normal person. Although Barclay was more than sure he could have carried the bags himself, the circulation in his wrists was thankful for the help.

Aubrey was already rifling through the bags by the time Barclay made it to the kitchen, on the hunt for her all important Takis. Various other, less important foods such as fruits and vegetables were set along the counters while she searched for her coveted snacks, and upon recovery she hugged them so tight that Barclay was honestly shocked that the bag didn’t pop. If not for that he would have sworn that even Dani didn’t get hugged that good.

“You’d better be grateful, Lady Flame,” Barclay chuckled, pouring her a tall glass of milk before storing the carton away in the fridge. He handed it to Dani, who waited patiently as Aubrey shoveled chips into her mouth handful by handful. “You know Leo only gets a couple’a bags. I had to call and make sure he held them for me before the other vultures in town descended.”

Aubrey’s attempt to seem Cool and Tough by refusing the glass of milk Dani was offering her was failing horribly. For all her posturing and love of Takis, a distressed red glow had begun to flush her face. She was swallowing too much, looking around, flexing her fingers and hands in a way that made Barclay a little nervous about how close she was to the very flammable kitchen curtains.

“You’re the best, Barclay,” she said, although with the state of her mouth it sounded more like, “You’re ba best, Barcway”. Tears welled in her eyes until Dani nearly forced the glass into her hand and made her drink. Aubrey sighed in relief, wiped her mouth, then tossed another couple of Takis in, and the cycle repeated. “And to _show you _that you’re the best,” she continued on the third round, “I got you a little gift!”

“Aw, Aubrey, you didn’t have to do that.” Although it was nice to be appreciated. He only kept the whole damn lodge running.

“Nah, it was nothing! I just saw it while we were out and it made me think of you. Hold on it’s in here somewhere…”

Barclay turned to find Aubrey ruffling through Dani’s bag while it was still on her shoulder. Dani, apparently finding no issue with this, drank from Aubrey’s milk glass and waited.

“Babe you gotta start throwing out some of these receipts there’s like seven billion in here and holy crap how many chapsticks do you _own ah _HAH FOUND IT!”

It took Barclay a few moments to recognize what it was he was looking at. The object in Aubrey’s hand was thin, silver, about the size of a cellphone, and a very odd shape.

“It’s a multi-tool,” explained Aubrey, running a finger along the cool metal. “Bottle opener, screwdriver, even a little wrench! Cool, right?”

Barclay looked at the tool, pursed his lips, looked back at Aubrey.

“Shaped like Bigfoot.”

“I said it reminded me of you, didn’t I? Plus, I mean, Ned gave you that poster, so.”

Dani snickered. Barclay glared, but after a few seconds accepted the gift and studied it in his hand. It was well crafted, made of sturdy metal and would almost definitely come in some kind of handy doing things around the lodge. He sighed, shook his head, and slipped it into the pocket of his jeans.

“Well, thanks, Aubrey. I’m sure it’ll come in handy.”

Aubrey, mouth miraculously full once again, gave a spicy thumbs-up in response.

If there was one person Barclay didn’t expect to participate in this game of “Give Barclay Embarrassing Bigfoot Related Gifts”, it was Mr. Running From His Destiny Forest Ranger Duck “It’s a Nickname” Newton. He was nice, unassuming, generally kept his nose out of other people’s business. But, Barclay supposed, he wasn’t immune to a funny joke.

He tried to lie, say he’d had the thing lying around, that he was regifting it, anything to avoid the fact that he had bought this item for the specific purpose of giving to Barclay as a joke. But nobody in any corner of Keplar believed a fib that came out of Duck’s mouth. Even babies called him on his bullshit. So it was painfully obvious that the object in his hands, a teddy-bear sized Bigfoot plushie with long, fuzzy fur, was a very special gift.

Barclay looked from the toy, to the man, back to the toy, back to the man. Duck was biting his lip in a failing attempt to hold back a grin. His voice cracked into the start of a laugh when he asked, “Do you like it?”

_“Duck,” _Barclay sighed into his hand. “_Where did you even get this? _Like _seriously_?”

“The Internet,” he snickered, handing the plush to Barclay. “Aubrey showed me- there’s this website with tons of things like it. Like a Build-a-Bear? You know what that is?”

“Yes.” 

“It’s like that, but online, and it’s got… well, Bigfoot and unicorns’n shit. It’s got normal animals too but there’s a whole section just for fake ones. Well.” He paused. “I mean I guess Bigfoot isn’t fake so some others I saw on there aren’t either… Are unicorns a thing?”

“Yeah they are. But let me make sure I have this right; so you decided to spend some of your hard-earned tree-protecting money… to buy me a Bigfoot plushie.”

“Yyyyyep.”

“...”

“What? Don’t you like it? Aubrey said you really liked her tool thingie-” well it was a useful gift “-and you put up that poster Ned got you-” _Jake _had put that poster up in the lodge’s living room “-so I thought I’d get you a little somethin’ too.”

The plush’s beedie eyes and stitched-on smile gazed up at Barclay while he wrestled with his pride. It was kind of cute. And it _did _have the same fur color as him (which was kind of scary but he supposed there were only so many shades of brown in the world).

A sigh escaped out his nose.

“No, no, I like it, Duck, I like it. It’s just a bit embarrassing, you know? The three of you giving me this stuff.”

“Yeah, well... “ Duck patted his shoulder. “That’s what makes it fun for the rest of us.”

It became apparent to Barclay over the never several weeks that there was no shortage of Bigfoot memorabilia in and around Keplar, West Virginia. By the start of the next month he had acquired not only the poster, multi-tool, and plush, but also a keychain, two coffee mugs, a sweatshirt, and a set of wooden magnets in the shape of a Bigfoot silhouette and some pine trees. Very fitting. He had learned to take the gifts in good humor, maybe roll his eyes and scoff, but in the end it was just his friends trying to make him smile, and he could appreciate that. If he wanted, he could think about it as him celebrating his sylph form whilst it was still too dangerous to show around the lodge. It was strange, it was stupid, but in its own way, it was fun.

(And, he realized with no small bit of melancholy, it had been going on for longer than the three of them knew. He still had the Bigfoot slippers Mama had given him, and the “Things To Do Before Going Squatchin’” notepad Thacker had picked up from who knows where hidden up in his room. That was ages ago. Felt like even longer. Somehow it didn’t surprise him that the joke had returned with a vengeance.)

Barclay rose earlier than almost all other residents of Amnesty Lodge, partially to ensure he was able to prepare a good breakfast and partially because it allowed him a rare bit of peace and quiet. The cool, misty morning air woke him up better than the coffee he was sure to drink in an hour or so, the chill piercing through his outer layers to get him just the right amount of frigid before lumbering back inside.

Returning to the kitchen to find Agent Stern sitting at the dining table, drowsily scanning over the morning newspaper, was a bit like returning returning to one’s bedroom to find a parent sitting at the end of your bed and reading one of your school textbooks; not necessarily pointing to trouble, but unexpected and uncomfortable.

“Oh, Barlcay,” greeted Stern, setting down the paper. “I hope you don’t mind. I was awake when they brought it, so I just picked it up.”

Barclay waved it off, approaching the counter and turning on the coffee maker. “No problem. Thought maybe it was late- paperkid has a hard time getting all the way up here some days.

“I can imagine. While you’re here, could I trouble you for a cup of coffee? I didn’t want to dirty the whole pot just for me, but since you’re making some anyway.”

He nodded, waved in acquiescence while filling the machine with grounds, leaned back against the counter while it worked its caffeine-giving magic.

“So,” he said jokingly, if only to avoid an awkward silence taking over the room, “looking for news about Bigfoot?”

To his credit, Stern chuckled. “Well, I do keep an eye out, but no. I just like to know what’s going on in Keplar. Found I rather like it here.”

“It’s a good town. Better than some places I’ve lived.”

“Move around a lot growing up?”

“Eh, more in young adulthood. Trying to find a place, I guess.” He hadn’t always known about the lodge. Hadn’t always known Mama. Spent the better part of his first decades on Earth just trying to find somewhere to fit in, somewhere he could feel safe.

Never thought that place would be a tiny little mountain town in the middle of the National Radio Quiet Zone, but hey, life was weird.

Stern hmm’d sympathetically, flipping a page of the paper. “I think that happens to many people when they’re younger. But we all find our place eventually.”

Friendly banter filled the room while a cool, early morning breeze wandered in through the window and the smell of fresh coffee wound around them like in a commercial. The coffee maker beeped, Barclay poured them each a cup, then sat down across from Stern at the table. He’d need to start breakfast soon, but aside from Mama, Aubrey, and Stern, none of the lodge’s residents technically needed to eat. They could all wait a few extra minutes while he enjoyed the peace.

“I’ve been meaning to mention, Barclay,” Stern eventually said, “that I’ve noticed a certain… pattern in some of your belongings.”

Barclay frowned. The hell did that mean. “You mean that they’re worn out as shit, or..?”

Stern chuckled. “No, not quite. It’s more that… well, the gifts your friends have been giving you lately all have quite a unique characteristic.”

“Oh god.” He laughed, shaking his head. “All the Bigfoot stuff, right? Yeah, they’re… I guess it kinda became a joke somehow to get it for me.”

“I understand perfectly. It isn’t the type of stuff one would normally buy for oneself. Can be rather embarrassing.”

“Tell me about it.”

“It’s good that the others indulge you.”

Barclay paused. Blinked. “Indu- wait, I think you’re misunderstanding-”

“There’s no need to be embarrassed, Barclay,” Stern smiled. “Cryptids are fascinating creatures! Many people take an interest in them such as you- it’s why Ned’s business is as successful as it is.”

Any eloquence Barclay possessed vanished on the tip of his tongue. His mouth flapped open and closed while he searched for the right words, for adequate words, for _any _words.

“It’s not really-” he stammered, “-it’s just a joke all of them play on me. They get me all the Bigfoot stuff because I’m-” don’t pause too long don’t pause too long “-so… big and hairy and stuff. It’s a joke. Like they’re saying I’m Bigfoot. Which I’m not. It’s just a dumb joke. I don’t even like that stuff.”

Stern waved him off with a chuckle, rising to rinse out his coffee mug in the sink. Barclay quickly noted that the good agent was still in his pajamas- a rare sight despite how long he’d been staying at the lodge. So far the most casual he had gotten was black pants and a button up, so seeing him in and a hoodie was just about the strangest thing Barclay could ever remember seeing.

And he’d seen a lot of strange shit.

“I find that a little hard to believe considering the coffee mug you’re using,” Stern said. “Not to mention that shirt.”

He had barely made it through the first letter of “what” before his brain registered the sight of the mug he was using. Oh fuck, of course. It was one of the stupid mugs Ned had just so happened to have picke dup and decided to give Barclay out of the pure goodness of his heart. The one that said, “Bigfoot saw me, but nobody believed him.” How had he even grabbed that one? He swore he’d pushed it to the back of the cupboard to be forgotten about, along with its “In my head I’m tracking Bigfoot” companion. 

Then he glanced down at his shirt and pretty much wanted to die.

Barclay concluded that he hadn’t been nearly conscious enough when deciding what to wear downstairs, or else he never would have allowed himself to actually put on the monstrosity that currently adorned him.

It was Aubrey’s gift, her “Latest and Greatest”. A dark green sweatshirt with profile shot of ‘Bigfoot’, (really it just looked like a weird cross between a gorilla and an orangutan that looked _nothing _like his actual face) looking wistfully into the distance with the bold text, “I Want To Believe” sandwiching the picture on top and bottom. IT was hideous. It was stupid. It was hilarious. Barclay wished he had on literally anything else in this current situation because there was no feasible way tot explain himself out of this without digging a deeper hole.

His distress must have been obvious because Stern chuckled and assured him again that it was okay.

“Honestly, Barclay, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. If it helps, this is the one my sister got for me.” He unzipped the front of his hoodie, and Barclay’s whole face reddened upon the reveal.

A simple, black t-shirt with a grey Bigfoot outline accompanied by white text reading, “Bigfoot is my Boyfriend”.

Suffice it to say, Barclay.exe had stopped responding. He was going to kill Stern, his sister, and then himself out of sheer embarrassment from the situation at hand. The only saving grace was that none of the other residents were awake to see-

“Hey, Barclay, when’s breakfast I’m STARVING!”

Oh of fucking _course_.

“Good morning, Miss Little.”

“Agent Stern? Whoa, sorry, took me a second to recognize you outside of like… formal clothes. To be honest I wasn’t even sure you owned pajamas.”

Stern chuckled. “Yes, I think I’ll go and change now. I just needed a quick cup of coffee to wake myself up. I do hope you start breakfast soon, Barclay; I’m rather hungry, as well.” And without another word on any subject he padded back off to his room.

Aubrey, infuriating creature that she is, leaned her elbow on the table and her chin on her hand, aiming the shit-eatingest of shit-eating grins in Barclay’s direction.

“Not a word,” he muttered into his arms, “or I’m not making you those special pancakes for a month.”


End file.
